New Non Veg Jokes 2019 || Dirty Jokes In Hindi 2019

New Non Veg Jokes 2019 || Dirty Jokes In Hindi 2019



Hello Friends AAj me aapko kuch bohat hee interesting  New Non Veg Jokes 2019 dene wala hu so friends let's start...



 New Non Veg Jokes 2019,Dirty Jokes In Hindi 2019
Non Veg Jokes


New Non Veg  Dirty Jokes In Hindi 2019 


एक लड़की अपनी सहेली को बता रही थी…
कल रात मेरे ब्वॉयफ्रेंड ने अंधेरे में डालने की कोशिश की…
मैंने मना भी किया कि रहने दे अंधेरा है, लाइट जला ले…
पर वो नहीं माना और आखिर जोर लगा के तुड़वा ही बैठा…
क्योंकि सुराख़ गलत था…
अंधेरे में मोबाइल में चार्जर कापिन लगाना बड़ा ही मुश्किल काम है…!!!








संता ने एक दिन बंता से पूछा:, यार, एक बात बता,
ये स्कूल मेल होता है या फीमेल
बंता कुछ सोचकर बोला, यार ये बात तो मुझे खुद को
भी आज तक नहीं समझ आई,
क्योंकि इसमें घंटा भी होता है और पीरियड भी“`।




 डॉ. साहब : मेरे पति का बहोत लंबा है , डालते है तो कलेजे को लगता है ……
डॉ. : तो क्या कटवा दो?
औरत : नही जी , कलेजा उपर हो सकता है क्या…….





पिंटू : -तेरी बीवी कल क्यों ज़ोर ज़ोर से चिल्ला रही थी
.
उसकी चिल्ला की आवाज़ मेरे घर तक आ रही थी …..
.
कोई ख़ास बात नही थी,यार
उसकी फोटो फ़ेसबुक पे अपलोड करने की
जगह …..
OLX पे अपलोड हो गयी।
.
.
.
.
ओर हद तो तब हो गई जब एक लड़के ने कहा ए भाई
ये 1960 का कबाड किसने डाला हैं |



ओर हद तो तब हो गई जब एक लड़के ने कहा ए भाई
ये 1960 का कबाड किसने डाला हैं |


कभी-कभी तो लोग ग्रुप से ऐसे गायब हो जाते है,
जैसे उधार लेकर गये हो !!



Also Read:


एक औरत रिक्शे से गिर गयी , उसकी साड़ी ऊपर हो गयी,
एकदम से उठ कर बोली, देखी मेरी ।
रिक्शे वाला: लेकिन मैडम मेरे यहाँ है तो मै आपका क्यों देखु



Funny Santa Banta Adult Jokes
संता (बंता से)- आज मैंने अपनी बीवी को वाचमैन
के साथ पिक्चर देखने जाते हुए देखा!
बंता (संता से)- तुम उनके पीछे नहीं गए?
संता- दरअसल वो पिक्चर देखा चुक हूँ




जब कोई दोस्त अपनी गर्लफ्रेंड से मिलवाता है
ओर वो शरमा कर कहती है नमस्ते ji
🤠😃👈🏻




एक बार एक आदमी गलियो में गश्त लगाने वाले चोकीदार से कहता है
-क्यों रे कल तूने खूब दारु पी रखी थी ना
चोकीदार -आपको कैसे पता शाब जी
आदमी -क्यों की बेन के तू कल जागते रहो जागते रहो की जगह पेलते रहो पेलते रहो चिल्ला रहा था😪😌











Adult Non Veg Jokes - Double meaning jokes

 सवाल – गब्बर की मां ने गब्बर का जन्म होते ही उसे एक झापड़ क्यों जड़ दिया
जवाब – क्यों की उसने जन्म होते ही अपने मां से सवाल पूछा – कितने आदमी थे




लड़का:- तुम क्या करती हो
लड़की:- दुल्हन तैयार करती हूँ,
ब्यूटी पार्लर है मेरा।।।
और आप क्या करते हैं
लड़का:- मैं दूल्हे तैयार करता हूँ।।।
लड़की:- अच्छा, पार्लर है आपका भी
लड़का:- नहीं, गुप्त रोग का
हकीम हूँ।।।





अध्यापक:- तुम बडे होकर क्या करोगे
छात्र:- शादी,
अध्यापक:- नही, मेरा मतलब है क्या बनोगे
छात्र:- दुल्हा,
अध्यापक:- ओह.. तुम बडे होकर क्या हासिल करोगे
छात्र:- दुल्हन,
अध्यापक:- अबे… मतलब तुम बडे होकर मम्मी-पापा के लिऐ क्या करेगा
छात्र:- बहुँ लाऊँगा!
अध्यापक:- हरामखोर, तुम्हारे पापा तुमसे क्या चाहते है
छात्र:- पोता,
अध्यापक:- हे भगवान, अबे तू जिन्दगी का क्या मंक्सद रखा है
छात्र:- हम दो हमारे दो..!!




टीचर : पप्पू , तुम्हारे Parents क्या करते है….
पप्पू : पता नही सर जी .मुझे तो जल्दी से सुला देते है ।




ब्वॉयफ्रेंड – तुम्हारे घर गया था। मुझे नहीं लगता हमारी शादी हो पाएगी।
गर्लफ्रेंड – क्यों मेरे पापा से मिले क्या
ब्वॉयफ्रेंड – नहीं, तुम्हारी छोटी बहन से




14 साल का लड़का अपने पड़ोस की आन्टी से पुछता है,
लड़का :आन्टी लड़कीयो को 12 साल की उमर में बच्चा होता है क्या
आन्टी : नही
लड़का :“` तो फीर अपनी बेटी को समझाव ना,
फालतु में खर्चा करवाती हैं




कॉलेज में पढ़ने वाले तीन दोस्त
दीवाली के बाद मिले.

पहला- मेरे डैडी मेरे लिए 10,000 के
पटाखे लाए, हमने 3 घंटे तक बजाए !

दूसरा- मेरे डैडी 15,000 के पटाखे
लाए, हमने 4 घंटे तक बजाए !

तीसरा – मेरे मम्मी-डैडी घर पर
नहीं थे…
तो मे 5000 का सिर्फ़
एक ही पटाखा लाया और
सारी रात बजाया


सुहागरात थी!
सास ने जोर से दरवाज़ा खटकाया!
दुल्हन घबरा कर परदे के पीछे छिप गई।
दुल्हा: डरती क्यों हो? माँ है!
दुल्हन: हे भगवान! मैं समझी छापा पड़ गया


लड़की की झिड़की और संता की हाजिर जवाबी
एक दिन संता की क्लास की एक लड़की, नई सैंडल पहन कर आई।
संता को लड़की काफी पसंद थी।
उन्होंने उसको पटाने के चक्कर में तारीफ करते हुए कहा…
संता: हे, तुम्हारी सैंडल तो बहुत प्यारी लग रही है आज…
लड़की: उतारूं क्या…
(इतराते हुए) संता: वैसे आज तुम्हारी टी-शर्ट और जींस भी बहुत सुंदर लग रही है…



मेने दरवाजा खोला तो
उसके आखो में आंसू चेहरे पे हंसी थी
सांसो में आहे. दिल में बेबसी थी
पगली ने ये नहीं बताया की
उसकी ऊँगली दरवाजे में फसी थी…


Non Veg Chutkule

गर्ल-फ्रेंड: चलो छुपन-छुपाई खेलते हैं,
अगर आपने मुझे ढूँढ लिया तो आप मेरी ले लेना और
अगर तुमने नहीं ढूँढा पाओगे तो मैं तुम्हारी लूंगी
बॉय-फ्रेंड: , लेकिन एक बात बताओ तुम मेरी कैसे लोगी
गर्ल-फ्रेंड मुस्कुराते हुए: हम Shopping चलेंगे ना


मैं पड़ोसी से प्यार करती हूँ और उसके साथ घर छोड़कर जा रही हूँ !
बाप – थैंक्स…. मेरे पैसे और समय दोनों बच गए.
बेटी – मैं लैटर पढ़ रही हूँ …. जो मम्मी रखकर गई हैं …..



सबसे पवित्र चीज है पुरुष का
ये बहूत विनम्र है,
हमेशा झुका रहता है।
ये बहुत दयालु है,
लडकियों की गोद भरता है।
ये असली गुरु है,
जो अपने दो चेलों का साथ नही छोडता।
इसमें सादगी है,
ये छोटी सी गुफा में रात गुजार लेता है।
ये आदरणीय है,
नारी को देख कर खड़ा हो जाता है।
ये कोमल है,
चाहे कितना भी मरोड़ो इसमें से अमृत ही निकलता है, जिससे सृष्टि चलती है।



 


लडकियाँ अपने फोन के बाद सबसे ज्यादा जिसे टच करती हैं ..
वो हैं..
.
.
.
बाल



डैडी : बेटे, मैंने दूसरा सिम कार्ड लिया है, नंबर नोट कर लो 99…
बेटा : ओके डैड, सेव कर लिया.
डैडी : किस नाम से सेव किया
बेटा : डैडी नं. 2 …




सुप्रीम कोर्ट के फैसले sec. 497के बावजूद भी पड़ोसन मना कर रही है
ये अदालत की तौहीन है
इस पर मिलार्ड का कहना है कि
अगर पडोसन मना कर रही है तो पडोसी की ले लो हमने दोनों ऑप्शन sec. 377 दे रखे हैं 😂😂
टमाटर खाओ खून बढ़ाओ, बुलंद करो हौसला


Latest Non Veg Jokes 2019 

प्रेमी : यदि मैं तुम्हें किस कर लूं तो तुम मुझसे क्या कहोगी
प्रेमिका : एक ऐसा चोर जो पूरी कार चुरा सकता था पर सिर्फ टायर चुराने पर ही संतोष कर गया!



बारिश का मौसम आने वाला है इसलिए..
 गोलू शादी के लिए लडकी देखने गया
उसने सोचा , क्यों न लडकी से अंग्रेजी में बात की जाए….
उसने लडकी से पूछा–इंग्लिश चलेगी ना……
लडकी शरमाते हुए बोली- सोडा-वाटर और स्वादिष्ट नमकीन साथ हो तो ‘ देसी भी चलेगी !!
😁😆😅😂🤣





हद तो जब हो गई जब एक शानदार बारात मे…
लाइट पकडने वाली एक औरत
दुल्हे के पास जाकर बोली…..
बाबुजी…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
पहचाना….
ढाई सौ वाली हु ।
😁😆😅😂🤣




उसकी मोहब्बत पर कैसे शक करू यारो…
शादी का कार्ड देने आए थी..
.
.
.
फिर भी देकर गयी
😁😆😅😂🤣




शादी के बाद बेड़रुम कैसे महकता है
3 year तक-परफ्यूम चाकलेट स्ट्राबेरी ग्रेप्स
3 year बाद केजानसन पावड़र जानसन क्रीम बेबी लोशन हगीस ड़ायपर
15 year बाद-झंड़ू बाम विक्स आयोडेक्स मूव
40 year बाद-अगरबत्ती धुप बत्




 

पप्पू : एक ‘मैनफोर्स’ देना.
केमिस्ट : तुम तो तिवारीजी के बेटे हो ना
पप्पू : अंकल ‘Mentos’ बोला ‘Mentos, एक दो विक्स भी दे देना गला ख़राब है.
दवा का नाम भी नहीं निकल रहा ठीक से.
😁😆😅😂



पप्पू अपने पडोसी से: अंकल, आंटी क्या रात को कबूतरों को दाना डालती है?
पडोसी: नहीं तो हमने तो कबूतर रखे ही नहीं।
पप्पू: तो फिर रात को आपके घर से आवाज़ें क्यों आती हैं?
पडोसी: कैसी आवाज़ें?\nपप्पू: आह, आह, आह…
😌😜😝😂😝😂😝😂

 









Dirty Jokes
जब से सनी लियॉन अमेरिका छोड़ कर भारत आ गयी है,
वहां के रॉकेट भी सही से खड़ा नहीं हो पा रहे,
और हमारे पहली ही बार में मंगल तक पहुँच रहे हैं।
कोई तो बात है, बंदी में ||
😂😝😂😝😂😝




एक घेरलू नुस्खा: 250 ग्राम नीम के पत्ते लें।


मालूम सबको है ज़िन्दगी बेहाल है!
फिर भी भोसडी के पूछते हैं, "क्या हाल है?"


घड़ी डिटर्जेंट से भी ज़्यादा ख़राब हो गयी है आजकल लड़कियो की चूत...
.
.
.
.
.
लोग चोदते तो हैं, पर विश्वास नहीं करते कि ये पहली बार चुद रही है!


Checkout This:
Best Attitude Status In Hindi 2019 || Cool Attitide Status In Hindi || Boys Attitude Status In Hindi 2019





ग़ालिब ने भी क्या खूब कहा है
"सपना" को देखकर सपने मे "स्वपनदोष" हो गया,
"सपना" भी बच गई और "संतोष" भी हो गया।




गैरों ने नसीहत दी और दिया अपनो ने धोखा,
ये दुनिया है साहब... यहाँ हर किसी को चाहिए गांड मारने का मौका!


पिछवाड़े पर इंजेक्शन लगाते हुए डॉक्टर ने पूछा... प्राईवेट सेक्टर में हो क्या?
मरीज: क्यों?
डॉक्टर: फटी पड़ी है इसलिये पूछ लिया!



मेरे चूतिया मित्र, यह तूने क्या किस्मत लिखाई,
तेरे दोस्त चोदे और तूने मुठ मारने की सजा पाई,
अब मेरे दोस्त, तुझे जन्मदिन की गांड फाड़ बधाई!


सब कुछ आज ऑनलाइन हो गया है लेकिन 'थप्पड़' और 'चूत' अभी भी जाकर ही मारनी पड़ती है!


गुस्ताख़ बोबों ने ये गुनाह करवा दिया,
खुद तने थे हमारा भी तनवा दिया!



अस्तबल में बंधा घोड़ा और चड्डी में लटका लौड़ा,
इन से काम नहीं लो तो बेकार हो जाते हैं!
~ बाबा बकचोद वीर्यदास



अगर लड़कियां पहले ही चूत दे दें,
आज हम लड़के इतने बड़े आशिक ना बनते!



जो ये सच्चे प्यार के चक्कर में फँसे रहते हैं,
उन्हें बता दें कि अगर लड़की की चूत और
गांड नहीं मारोगे तो वो उनकी गांड मार लेगी।




Cool Non Veg Jokes In Hindi 2019 


लड़का: आज मिलोगी?
लड़की: पागल आज मेरा फ़ास्ट है!
लड़का: मिलने को कहा है मुँह में लेने को नहीं कहा!


आज का ज्ञान:
गाड़ी और गर्लफ्रेंड अगर किसी दूसरे को दोगे तो ठुक कर ही आएगी!


नयी दुल्हन को दूल्हे ने मुँह दिखाई में 25000/- रुपये दिए।
तो दुल्हन घबराई और बोली, "सुनो जी, पूरा खानदान ठोकेगा क्या मुझे?"



जिन लोगों को चूत नहीं मिलती वे बातें बड़ी अच्छे से चोदते हैं।









औरतों के दो करिश्मे:
1. घास नहीं खाती, फिर भी दूध देती है।
2. लन्ड नहीं है फिर भी आदमी की गांड मार लेती हैं।


बंटी जिम में गया और बोला, "आज क्या मारूँ?"
ट्रेनर: कल क्या मारा था?
बंटी: मुठ!
ट्रेनर: तो आज गांड मरा ले भोसड़ी के, निकल यहाँ से।



लड़की: Baby मैं तुम्हारे लिए कल Fast करुँगी!
लड़का: ना Baby बिल्कुल आराम से करेंगे, मजे ले कर के धीरे-धीरे Feeling के साथ!
लड़की: हवस के पुजारी मैं व्रत की बात कर रही हूँ!



अपनी गर्लफ्रेंड का मूड जानने के लिये पहले एक दबाएं...
मूड अच्छा हो तो दो दबाएं!


4 दाने लोंग के डालें।जब पानी आधा रह जाये तब उतार कर साफ करके छान लें।
ठंडा होने पर एक गिलास में लेकर कुल्ली करें और 2 घूँट पी जाएँ।
इससे आपकी गांड का वो कीड़ा मर जायेगा जो आपको आपके काम धंधे छोड़ कर सारा दिन इन्टरनेट पे बिठा के रखता है।
😌😜😝😂😝😂😝😂😝



😂😂 कंपनी के MD ने नई कार खरीदी !
लेकिन अगले दिन ही वो कार वापस करने गए क्योंकि कार में लगा रेडियो बज नहीं रहा था।
तो सेल्समैन ने बताया “सर ये नए सिस्टम का रेडियो है आवाज़ से चलता है इसके सामने कुछ कहिए।
एम डी बोले -“किशोर कुमार”
रेडियो बजा “ये शाम मस्तानी…
एम डी बोले -“क्लासिकल तबला”
रेडियो पर .. “जाकिर हुसैन का तबला बजने लगा
MD साहब खुश होकर कार लेकर घर की तरफ निकले।
अचानक एक कार ने ओवरटेक करके सामने से क्रास किया…
MD साहब के मुँह से निकला “उल्लू का पट्ठा „\n
रेडियो बजा “नमस्कार दोस्तो मैं अरविन्द केजरीवाल बोल रहा हूँ……😜😜😜😜😜



Most Funny Non Veg Jokes in Hindi

आज का कुविचार:
चूत और दूध कभी ख़राब नहीं होते,
दोनों को जितना गरम करो उतना ज्यादा मज़ा देते हैं।
😌😜😝😂😝😂😝😂😝




वो क्या चीज़ है जो पत्नी अपने पति को सारी उम्र लेने नहीं देती |
सोचो-सोचो…..
“चैन की सांस”।
😌😜😝😂😝😂😝😂😝



Very Funny New Non Veg Jokes 2019 


पप्पू लड़की को प्रोपोज़ करने गया तो प्रोपोज़ करने का नया तरीका ढूंढ निकाला…
पप्पू (लड़की से): तेरे पास लंड है?
लड़की (हैरानी से): नहीं।
पप्पू: तो मेरा लेगी क्या?
😝😂😝😂😝😂😝



पप्पू: डालते ही झड़ गए सब, टिका न कोई भी फूल गले में मेरे हार के;
दर्द उनको हुआ तो निकाल लिया मैंने, काँटा जो चुभा पैरों में सरकार के;
चीख उठे, चिल्ला उठे, कहने लगे मत लो मेरी;
एक ही चप्पल है और ऊपर से दिन भी हैं त्यौहार के।
😝😂😝😂😝😂😝



खत्म हो गयी तमन्ना-ए-मोहब्बत…
अब तो लगता है चोदो और चलते बनो।
😌😜😝😂😝😂😝😂😝



Fuckर है, मुझे खुदपे कि मैं Assलीलता नाम की gandगी से कोसों दूर हूँ।
मैं तो Assलील लोगों की Suckल देखना भी पाप समझता हूँ। Cumमीने साले!
😌😜😝😂😝😂😝😂😝



Funny Jokes for Adults 

एक भी अश्लील शब्द बिना इस्तमाल किये छोटा सा नॉन-वेज मज़ाक:
डॉक्टर: ऊलटी होती है क्या?
औरत: आप बोलो तो हो जाती हूँ।
डॉक्टर  बेहोश ||
😝😂😝😂😝😂😝

आज का कुविचार:
एक थके हुए पुरूष के पीछे एक ‘Satisfied’ स्त्री होती है।
😌😜😝😂😝😂😝😂😝




पप्पू – भाई कल मेरी GF का बर्थडे है उसको क्या दूँ? सच्चा दोस्त – भाई उसको लंड दे दे अपना। पप्पू – यार मुझे उसे कुछ बड़ा गिफ्ट देना है। सच्चा दोस्त – तो उसको मेरा लंड दे दे




Teacher : Hamesha kaho ki mujhe sab pata hai. Chotte : Papa mujhe sab pata hai Papa : beta ye 50 ruppee le aur chup rehna. Chotte : Mummy muje sab pata hai Mummy : beta ye 100 ruppee le aur chup rehna. Chotte (nokar se): Raamu kaka mujhe sab pata hai Ramu kaka : Aa mera beta apne baap ke gale lag jaa..!!


Santa: In all AIDS ads, they talk of SAFE SEX. What is SAFE SEX? Banta: Oye, SAFE SEX is when wife is out of town


रात भर सेक्स करने के बाद एक थॅकी औरत सुबह पड़ोस के हकीम के पास गयी और बोली:- हकीम साहब, मेरे पति को सेक्स की गोली तुमने दी थी ना? हकीम खुश होते हुए:- हाँ ! .. .. औरत:- तो बीवी भी फिर अपनी ही दे देता… मादरचौद.!!!


आज का ज्ञान: जो ज्यादा उछलते हैं वही ज्यादा दबाये भी जाते हैं।



आज का कुविचार.. मित्र का मन   और गिर्ल्फ़्रेन का स्तन हमेशा बड़ा होना चाहिए… – बाबा चोदूमल


Gf : Ye Sunny Leone Kaun Hai ? Bf : Ye Sunny Deol Ka Mahila Awtar haii.. Iska Bhi Adhai Kilo Ka Hai.. Isko Dekhne ke bad Admi Uthata nahhii hai.. Adami Ka Uth jata hai



Also Read:
Best Jokes Of Today In Hindi 2019 || Latest Jokes In Hindi



S*x kya hai; S*x ek kala hai, Jo kare uska bhala hai S*x ek bhavna hai, jisko pura kurne ki sabki kaamna hai S*x do atmaon kaa milan hai, sadiyo se jiska chalan hai S*x maja hai, Jo na kare uska jeevan ek saza hai S*x bhakti hai, jisme subki mukti hai S*x ek jaap hai, jisko na jupna mahapaap hai S*x amrut hai, poora jeevan jisse trupt hai – Dirty S*x




गर्लफ्रेंड अपने बॉयफ्रेंड से मिलने गयी। गर्लफ्रेंड – अगर तुम्हे 8 बूब्स मिले, तो तुम क्या करोगे ? बॉयफ्रेंड – तो मैं उन्हें चूसूंगा, दबाऊंगा। गर्लफ्रेंड – सामने एक कुतिया खड़ी हैं, शुरू हो जाओ।




गर्लफ्रेंड अपने बॉयफ्रेंड से मिलने गयी। गर्लफ्रेंड – अगर तुम्हे 8 बूब्स मिले, तो तुम क्या करोगे ? बॉयफ्रेंड – तो मैं उन्हें चूसूंगा, दबाऊंगा। गर्लफ्रेंड – सामने एक कुतिया खड़ी हैं, शुरू हो जाओ।



हिंदी की मैडम ने कहा, बच्चो – “बादल बरसे आँगन में” पर कविता लिखो। एक बच्चे ने लिखा – एक हमारी प्यारी मैडम मस्ती भरे इस यौवन में शाम हुई जब पिया घर आये खाट बिछाया आँगन में लब चुसे, स्तन दबाये और लिंग घुसाया जांघन में वो झूम झूम कर चुद गयी “जब बादल बरसे आँगन में”













Ek ladki baba ke paas gai .. Ladki : Baba ji mujhe bhavishay dekhna hai.. Baba : Thik hai , Kapde utaro aur ghodi ban jao.. Ladki : Baba Aap  mujhe chodna chate ho.. Baba : Dekha tum dekhne lagi na bhavishay….



गर्लफ्रेंड बॉयफ्रेंड से अपने हनीमून की बात कर रही थी। गर्लफ्रेंड -जानू शादी में बाद, हनीमून बनाने हम दुबई चलेगे।  बॉयफ्रेंड – डार्लिंग हनीमून पे, पानी निकालना हैं तेल नहीं। 


santa singh suhaag raat ko thand ke maare rajai me ghus ke so gaya…. Biwi: meri tango k beech ek ched hai.. Santa : tabhi me kahu k hawa kaha se aa rahi hai…!!



आज का कुविचार: चूत और दूध कभी ख़राब नहीं होते, दोनों को जितना गरम करो उतना ज्यादा मज़ा देते हैं।


Ek ladki ki bra par likha tha 93.5 RED FM Socho uski panty par kya likha hoga. . . . . . . . . . . Bajaate Raho.



Ek Bande Ki Suhagraat Thi, Vo Bade Aaram Se Sex Kar RahaThha, Par Uski Wife Jor Jor Se Cheekh Rahi Thhi, Banda Hairan Hua Aur Usne Puchha. Tum Itna Cheekh Kyun Rahi Ho? Wife:Bahar Tere Dost Khade Hai, Chutiye Teri Izzat Rakh Rahi Hoon!!

Height Of Insult Suhagrat Ko Husband Wife Ko Puri Mehnat K Sath Thok Rha Tha Tabhi Wife Kahti Hai Ab Daal B Do Ji.Kab Tak Ungli Karte Rahoge #Nonveg #Sexy #Adult #Dirty #Jokes




Dirty Non veg jokes in English 2019


Wife: Make me wet. Alok Nath Pour gangajal on her





Sidharth was Masturbating and his wife came....
Wife: Yeh Kya Kar Rahe Ho?
Sidharth: Kalaaiyon Ka Behatarin Upyog.




Badi Behen Honeymoon Pe Gayi.Choti Ne SMS Kiya : Didi Jo Jeans Di Thi Vo Jarur Pehenana.
Didi's Reply: Tujhe Jeans Ki Padi Hai, Is Tharki Ne 4 Din Se Underwaer Tak Toh Pehnane Nahin Di





Ek N*gro husband Apni Indian wife Ko Kehta Hai: Today is our fancy dress competition, get me one costume... Wife goes and brings a Santa Claus dress.
N*gro: You fool, have you ever seen a bl*ck Santa??? Then wife goes and brings a Snow Man's costume.
N*gro: You idiot, have you ever seen a bl*ck Snow man?? Then wife goes again angrily and brings a wooden rod, inserts it in the a**hole of her husband & says: Ye LE, 'CHOCO-BAR Ban Ja Bhutni Ke!!!!'












Boy: Tumhari Car Kaisi Chal Rahi Hai?
Girl: Theek Chal Rahi Hai.
Boy: Aaj Shaam Ko Dogi Kya?
Girl: Haan Le Lena, But Ye Toh Batao Car Ke Baare Mein Kyun Pooch Rahe Thee???






Bihar Ke Kisi Village Mein Aaj Bhi Films Ki Advertising Auto Pe Loudspeakers Se Announce Hoti Hai. Ek Din Kuch Aisa Announce Hua... Film Ka Naam Tha - Bade Ghar Ki Bahu Rani. Bade Ghar Ki Bahu Rani Ka Mazaa Lijiye, Din Mein Caar Baar, 9 Se 12, 12 Se 3, 3 Se 9 Aur Raat Ko 9 Se 12...!!! Aage Ka 30 Rupiya, Aur Peechhe Ka 60 Rupiya...!!!





Apni Suhagrat Ko Pati Achhe Tarike Se S*x Nahi Kar Paya. Subha Dulhe Ki Maa Ne Bahurani Se Puchha: Bahu, Suhagrat Kaisi Rahi? Bahu Udasi Se: Maa Ji Kya Batau, Grah Parvesh Toh 2 Baar Hua, Par Grah Shanti Nahi Ho Paayi.





Sidharth was having s*x and suddenly the condom tore off but he took out his d*ck immediately and shouted... Bahut Kareebi Maamla Ho Sakta Tha!




Ek Ladki Office Se Apne Ghar Aayi Aur Rote Hue Apni Maa Ko Boli.
Ladki: Maa, Pata Hai Aaj Subha Subha Mera Boss Mere Uper Chad Gaya. Maa Hairan Hote Hue: Achhha, Lekin Kyun?
Ladki: Subha Late Jo Gayi Thhi.




Ladka GF Ko Dinner Pe Le Gaya. Girlfriend Ne Mahnge Items Order Kar Diye.
Ladka: Maa Ke Ghar Bhi Yehi Khaati Hai Kya??
Girlfriend: Maa Dinner Ke Baad Meri Leti Nahin Hai.




Sidharth's wife: We'll do it without condom tonight. Sidharth: Koi Jokhim Uthaane Ki Avashyakta Nahi Hai.





Ek Aurat Auto Rukwa Kar Rate Final Karte-Karte Doosre Auto Mein Baith Gayi. Pehla Auto Waala Hadbadi Mein Jaldi-Jaldi Se Bola: Ab Ye Kya Baat Hui Madam? Khada Aapne Mera Karwaya, Aur Chadd Doosre Par Gayi??





Doctor Saab, Main Jab Bhi Apni Biwi Ki Leta Hun Toh Andar Jaa Ke Mera Teda Ho Jaata Hai. Doctor Ko Yakeenn Nahi Hota. Vo Engineer Ko Kehta Hai Ki Apni Biwi Ko Clinic Mein Lekar Aao. Kuch Time K Baad Engineer Apni Biwi Ko Lekar Aata Hai Aur Doctor Ke Saamne Us Ke Saath S*x Karta Hai. Doctor Maze Le Lekar Dekhta Rehta Hai. Phir Bahana Banate Hue Kehta Hai Ki Baad Mein Aana Aur Unko Vaha Se Bhej Deta Hai. Kuch Din Baad Kisi Shaadi Mein Doctor Apne Doston Ke Saath Engineer Ka Mazaak Udaa Raha Hota Hai Ki Kaise Us Bewakoof Ne Apni Biwi Ke Saath Mere Saamne S*x Kiya. Dusri Taraf Engineer Apne Doston Ke Saath Khada Ho Ke Us Doctor Ka Mazaak Udaate Hue Kehta Hai, "Yaar Kuch Din Pehle Ek Tharki Ladki Mil Gayi, Per Karne Ki Jagah Nahin Mili Toh Is Doctor Ke Clinic Mein Jaakar Meine S*x Kiya!"



New Dirty Non Veg Jokes 2019




Ek Aadmi Bazaar Mein Jor-Jor Se Chilla Raha Tha: Jannat Ke Parde 20-20 Rupaye Mein, Jannat Ke Parde 20-20 Rupaye Mein... Saare Bazaar Ke Log Apna-Apna Kaam Chhod Kar Uske Paas Gaye. Paas Jakar Dekha Toh, Haramkhor Bra Aur Pantis Bech Raha Tha.






Chemistry Ki Class Mein Sir Ne Ek Ladki Se Poocha: Yes You, Tell Me What is Nitrate ? Ladki Sharma Kar Boli: Kya Sir, Aap bhi N Qasam Se, Ekdum Direct Hi Jaate Ho. Night Rate is 5000/- Woh Bhi Sirf Aap Ke Liye.......





Ladka, Ladki ke Baap Se: Mai Aapki Beti ka Haath Mangne Aaya Hu..!!!
Baap: Kyun??
Ladka: Kyunki Ab Mera Haath thak Chuka Hai…




Pota: Dadaji Ye Condom Kya Hota Hai?
Dadaji: Chal Bhag, Mujhe Nahi Pata.
Pota: Main Janta Tha Buddhe, Tujhe Pata Hota Toh Aaj PROPERTY Ke 14 Tukde Nahin Hote










Girl (During S*x): Nahi Ye Galat Hai.
Boy: But I Love You.
Girl: Woh Mujhe Pata Hai, Lekin Ye Galat Hai.
Boy: Hum Shaadi Kar Lenge.
Girl: Abey Bhosdike..... Jahan Daal Raha Hai, Woh Jagah Galat Hai !




Dirty Non veg Jokes In English 2019




Suhagraat Ko Over Smart Husband Lakhnavi Andaaz Mein Bola: Ijaazat Hai ?
Biwi Boli: Humne Toh Kabhi Gairon Ko Bhi Mana Nahi Kiya, Aap Toh Phir Bhi Apne Hain.... Bismillah Keejiye.





Pappu went to Film City to see the movie shoot. Actress at shooting: Ufff.... Kitni Garmi hai. Dil Kar Raha Kissi Bade Fan ke Niche Jaake So Jaun!
Pappu: M'am, Main Aapka Buhut Bada Fan Hun!





Ek Baar Ek Aadmi Ke P*NIS pe Madhu-Makkhi kaat gayi. He goes to a doctor with his wife. Wife Sharmate Hue: Doctor Saab, Sirf Dard Ki Dawa Dena, Sujan Rehne Dena.




Jeeto: Baba Ji, Mera Gharwaala Kab Sudhrega?
Baba: Usko Saath Laayi Ho?
Jeeto: Nahin Baba Ji, Woh Toh Ghar Par Hain.
Baba: Theek Hai, Apni Bra Utaaro.
Jeeto: Kyun??? Baba: Uske Hathon Ki Lakeerein Dekhni Hain.




1970-1985 = Sunny means Sunil Gavaskar. 1985- 2010 = Sunny means Sunny Deol. 2010-2025 = Sunny means Sunny Leone. Kaam Teeno Ka Ek Hi Hai..... Thukai... Bas Tareeke Alag Alag Hai.




Dirty Non veg Jokes In English 2019



Pappu ne apni girlfriend ke baalon mein haath pherte hue kaha: Darling, tum toh mera chaand ho.
Girlfriend: Aur tum ho mere Neil Arms strong.
Pappu ne hairan hote hue pucha: Neil Armstrong??? Woh Kyun?
Girlfriend ne sharmate hue jawab diya: Chand par chadne waala pehla aadmi tha woh.





Pappu ke right side ki ball kat gayi. Doctor ne operate kiya aur mitti ka bana ke laga diya. After two months Pappu went back to doctor and said furiously: Oye doctor nikal bahar teri maa ki aankh, tune mitti ka bana ke laga diya.
Doctor: Kamaal hai, tujhe kaise pata chala?
Pappu: Pata toh chalna hi jana tha, LEFT side me baal nikal rahe hai, aur bhenchod right side me GHAAS nikal rahi hai.





EK Bachcha School Ka Kaam Kar Raha Tha Ki Uski Pencil Zameen Pe Gir Gayi, Usne Seenay Pe Haath Rakh Ke Utha Li. Thodi Der Ke Baad Uski Rubber Neeche Gir Gayi, Usne Phir Seenay Pe Hath Rakha Aur Rubber Utha Li.
Uski Maa Ne Poocha Ke Beta Tum Seenay Pe Haath Rakh Ke Cheezein Kyun Uthate Ho?
Bachcha Bola: Hamari Miss Bhi Aise Hi Uthati Hain.
Maa: Beta Unko Aise Uthane Do Lekin Tum Aise Na Kia Karo.
Bachcha: Nahi Maa Ek Baar Unhone Haath Nahi Rakha Tha Toh Unke Fefde Bahar Aa Gaye The.




Boys and Girls Ka Same Baat Kehne Main Farak:-
Girl: Woh Teachers Ki Bahut Respect Karta Hai.
Boy: Woh Toh Saala Teachrs Ki Gaand Mein Ghusa Rehta Hai.




Dirty Non veg Jokes In English 2019



An HR manager got married. On the first night of their honey moon, on seeing his wife nude for the first time, he was furious: Tumne mujhse dhoka kiya!! You have cheated me! The astounded but smart bride asks: Kaise? Kya dhokha diya hai maine? The HR man shouts: Your B*obs are so small.... I definitely remember noticing their size when I met you at the engagement... they appeared to be much bigger... The hitech bride replies, "Honey, what you saw and agreed upon was the CTC Package... but this is what you get in hand...






Ek Ladki ki 5 Crore ki lottery nikli. Company ne socha achanak bataaya to ladki khushi se mar sakti hai. Unhone us ladki ke best friend Tinku ko ye kaam saunpa, to inform her in such a way so that she doesn't die of shock.
Tinku went and started: Assume you get 1 Crore ki Lottery ? What will you do?
Ladki: I will strip Nude in front of you.
Tinku: Agar 2 Crore ki Nikle toh?
Ladki: You can f*ck me as many times you want...
Tinku: Agar 5 Crore ki Lottery mile toh?
Ladki: I will s*ck your c*ck all day and night... You can f*ck me in the back too. And moreover... I'll give you half the money... Saala Tinku hi khushi se marr gaya...



Also Read:




Non Veg Adult Jokes In English


A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”











A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”



A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"








I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."



Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."




Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.




A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”




A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"



After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."













Dirty Non veg Jokes In English 2019



A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"




Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"




Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."




Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."



A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"



Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.












A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."








 Non veg  Msg Jokes In English 2019

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"





Dirty Non veg Jokes In English 2019



A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"



One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."




There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.





A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."



Funny Jokes in Hindi Non Veg


Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."



"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."



A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."




It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"



Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.










A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."



A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”





A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"





A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"





Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"




There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."





A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."





Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."





A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."




A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"





Dirty Non veg Jokes In English 2019



Maa: Lekin Tu Leti Kyu Thhi, Vo Toh Chadega Hi Na!!!!






The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."





Q: Why is sex like math?
A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.





A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"





A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."






A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"


I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”




A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"





A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red." The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"





An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."





A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."




Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."





There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"






During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"


A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.





A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."








Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.





Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.





Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.





"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."





On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"





A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”





A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."



Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"




A guy and girl had sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."





Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go. He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."





A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."





A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on Earth do you need that?!" The little boy says, "Isn't that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn't get hard?"





Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."





One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"




I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.











Fadu Non Veg Jokes 2019


They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?










Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"





Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.





Q: What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?
A: Boo-bees




A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."







Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.




Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."




Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)




A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines. His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should try it sometime." Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."





Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”




Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."




Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.





Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock, with a mouth full of cock, to find out Jill's real name was Randy.





Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. "I froze to death. How about you?" "I had a heart attack." "How did that happen?" "Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack." "That's ironic." "Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."





There’s an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn’t part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, “Everytime one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine.’” A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, “Washing machine.” The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache. A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively, “Washing machine.” Yet again, the wife turns him away. However, a few moments pass and the wife’s needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says, “Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand.”





You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."





A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" She replies, "All of them."




1000+ Awesome Non Veg Jokes and Dirty Funny SMS in Hindi/English




Aadmi Ka Dimag – Baba Sexidas Ji Ne Aadmi Ke Dimag Pe Khoj Karte Hue Ek Baat Dhoondi एक बात पर कभी गौर नहीं किया होग



Insaan Ko Taqleef Dene Wali 5 Cheeze – Har Insaan Ki Life Mein Kuch Cheeze Hoti Hai, Jo Agar Na Mile To Takde Se Takde Mard Ki Aankhon Mein Bhi Aansu Aa Jaate Hai. Jaaniye Vo Kya Hai.



Punjabi Language Is A Mother Of All – Language Aisi Cheez Hai Jo Ek Hi Line Ke Alag Alag Meaning Nikal Deti Hai. Zara Padh Ke Dekhiye Ki I Love You Ke Alag Alag Language Me Kya Meaning Nikalta Hai.



Underwear Bhi Partywear Ho Gaya? – Santa Undrwear Lene Dukaan Pe Gya. Dukandar Ne Use 300 Rs Ka Undrwear Dikhaya. Price Sunkar Santa Bola: “Yaar Roj Pehnne Wala Dikhao, Party Wear



Social Media Dhamki – Just Like Romance Between A Man And A Woman Has Become Hi-Tech, So Should Fights. While We Know How Love Is In The Digital World, Let’S See How Hate Should Be.



Gabbar Singh Was A Management Guru – Gabbar Singh Was A Management Guru as is reflected in some of the timeless management lessons he delivered through the movie Sholay. Jo Darr Gaya –



Dirty Non veg Jokes InEnglish 2019

Benefits Of Daily Walks – Going For A Walk Every Day Can Really Improve A Woman’S Health. But Do You Know That It Can Also Help Improve Other Things As Well? Find Out Here.




Who Is A Psychiatrist? – Who Is A Psychiatrist? A Qualified Person Who Gives You An Expensive & Critical Analysis About Yourself Which Your Wife Gives You Daily ..




God Please Save This Doctor – We All Made Mistakes But Just Think If Someone Made Mistake While Writing Your Identity, But This Painter Mistake Is The Biggest Mistake We Ever Seen




Funny Shops Names – Dukano Ke Boards To Bahut Se Dekhe Honge Aapne, Par Aaj Hum Aapko Kuch Esi Dukano Ke Naam Batayenge Jisko Pad Ke Aap Lot Pot Ho Jayenge.





Hindi Non Veg Jokes
Banta: Ek white colour ka condom

dena.

Shopkeeper: White hi kyun?

Banta: Padosan ka husband guzar

gaya hai, afsos karne jaana hai 😛







Girl: Baba mera Boyfrnd kab

sudhrega?

Baba: Use layi ho?

Girl: Nahi wo Ghar par hai.

Baba: Ok apni Bra utaro.

Girl: Kyu?

Baba: Uske Hatho ki lakeere dekhni

hai. 😛 😉













Suhagrat ko Husband:

kuch karne ki Ejaazat hai..?

Dulhan shrmate hue: Hamne to kabhi

gairo ko bhi manaa nahi kiya,

Ab aap to fir bhi apne hai.. 😛 😛






Girls hostel mein ladkiyan cycle chala

rahi thi

aur bahut chilla rahi thi.

Madam boli: shor mat karo,

dheere-2 maza lo varna kal cycle

mein seet lagwa dungi. 😉






Ek Neta Ji Hospital Ka Survey Karne Gaye

General Ward Mein Dekha Ek Mariz Muthh Maar Raha Tha.

Neta Ji Ne Hairan Hote Hue Doctor Se Puchha: “Ye Kya Hai?”

Doctor Ne Samjhaya: “Is Ka sperm Bahut Tezi Se Banta Hai Hourly Nikalna Jaruri Hai.”

Neta Ji Agle Ward Mein Pahunche

Udhar Ek Nurse Mariz Ka Lund Choos Rahi Thi

Ye Dekh Ke Neta Fir Hairan Hue Aur Doctor Se Puchha: “Ab Ye Kya Hai?”

Doctor: “Bimari Wahi Hai Par Ye Deluxe Ward Hai.. 😛 😉


Pati bola: Good nite,

Patni : aise kaise good nite

Band karo light,

hathyar karo tight, lelo nipple ka bite,

karlo pussy se fight,

Aur gira do apna BIRLAWHITE!

Tab hogi good night.







Paper Dene Or S*x Karne Ke Baad

Sari Girls Ki Feelings Same Hoti
Hai:Kitna Lamba Tha NaKash Thora

Time Or Mil JataTooba Pehle Kitna

Dar Lag Raha Tha Phir To Pata Hi

Nahi Chala Kab Ho GayaUff Teen

Ghante Tak To Meri Saans Hi Band

Ho Gayi ThiAagay Ka To Theek Tha

Peechay Ka Kitna Mushkil Tha Na. 😛 😉 😉



Girl Friend: Mera rishta aaya hai aur shadi hone wali hy.

Boy Friend: That’s Good,

Phir to hum condom ke bina s*x kar sakenge. :*






Sharma ji ki party mein verma ji ke paas Mrs. Sharma aakar boli:

“Bhai sahab aapne to kuchh liya hi nahi” aur yeh keh kar ek chicken ka leg piece uthakar unki plate mein rakh diya.

.Party khatm hone par Mr. Sharma ne Verma ji se poochha “Khana kaisa laga”

.Verma ji: “Badhiya, par end mein bhabhi ji ne jo taang utha ke di maza aa gaya.” 😛 😛



 Non veg  Msg Jokes In English 2019




Do Saheliyon Ne Apna S*x Change Operation Ek Saath Karwane Ka Faisla Kiya.
Operation Ke Waqt Unke Rishtedar Operation Theatre Ke Bahar Chintagrast Ho Kar Intezar Kar Rahe The.
Kuch Ghanton Baad Doctor Bahar Aaya Aur Bola, “Mubarak Ho! Laude Lag Gaye!” 😉 😛


THE END..






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